SasuNaru vs SasuSaku: Debunking The Myths
by Xtase
Summary: Re-edited and revamped, the debate to end all debates. SasuNaru vs. SasuSaku, what is true and what is not? Crack. Rated M for language.
1. Beware of The Crack

_Let me say this straight up, loud and clear: I. Love. SasuNaru. Or NaruSasu, it doesn't matter. _

_And I love the SasuNaru/NaruSasu fandom, you can see it from my profile; the stories I write and read. I adore that pairing like a fat kid loves cake. I say screw the consequences and give me the diabetes now. However; like every fandom on this planet, SasuNaru has some eccentricities and blatant flaws that I, having a sense of humour, cannot help but notice - and exploit for laughs._

_What you are about to read is a parody of a parody. That's right, I'm going to poke fun at SasuNaru. Please remember that is not my intention to "attack" the fandom, in fact, I am celebrating it in a way, because there's two sides to a coin. This fandom has both good and - not so good qualities. _

_If you are an overly emotionally invested fangirl who cannot take a joke...__**turn back now**__. If, however you do not heed my warning and read it anyway - remember, your flames will be used as fuel to further roast this pairing. Still interested? Read on._

_-Xtase_


	2. Debate

I hereby declare that I claim no rights to **NARUTO © 1999 by Kishimoto Masashi/SHUEISHA Inc. **and receive no monetary benefit for any narrative I publish hereafter based on this manga or any of its other media adaptations.

Warning, if you are an overly involved hardcore 'shipper you may not find this very amusing.

-Xtase

_Oh, SasuNaru; how I love you, and that is why I must to my bit to try and save you from the jaws of hate. I have seen this queer little "rant" on one profile page too many. Something has to give; and it sure as hell won't be my sanity. Read on if you __dare__._

**.**

**Naruto: **You sure you wanna do this? This is some pretty sickening shit we're hoing to have to put up with.

**Sasuke: **Do I wanna do this? I'm here in front of you not throttling the life out of you, aren't I? I can't take the slander anymore, Naruto. We have to do it for the sake of all that is reasonable and holy.

**Naruto: **That's rich coming from you.

**Sasuke: **Shuddup and read it before I change my mind about murdering you where you sit.

**Naruto: **Fine, fine. Comment one:

**Sasuke is always thinking of Naruto - Sakura always bugs Sasuke.**

**S: **I thought about my family and clan. Then I thought of revenge. Then I became a genin and was forced to think about my teammates. Soon I thought about giving vengeance up. Then big bro shows up and I start obsessing over his insane strength again. Then I'm obsessed with the thought of Naruto overtaking me. Then I started thinking of Itachi, revenge and defeating my enemies until this day. I barely ever thought of Naruto in Part II unless he was getting in my way.

**N: **Sad...but true. Comment two:

**Sasuke always wants to prove himself to Naruto, and vice versa - Sakura is always ignored** **by Sasuke.**

**S: **First off, Sakura's a real doll; she's smart enough to know to back off and be quiet when I give her the cold shoulder for long enough. But this idiot? Nooo, this guy's skull is thicker than Kim Kardashian's ass. Not even I can ignore his high-pitched banshee screams. Sometimes I swore I could hear his temper tantrums all the way over in Oto; he is _that _loud.

Secondly, I only wished to prove myself to my brother, not Naruto.

**N: **Bastard...why won't you acknowledge me?

**S: **See? You'll never catch me wangsting and wondering what Naruto thinks of me. I'm a badass. He knows it. I know it. Everyone knows it. End of story.

**N: **Cocky git. Next comment:

**Sasuke talks to Naruto the most, out of everyone - He rarely speaks to Sakura.**

**S: **I speak whenever it's necessary, to whoever is with me at the moment. I have no bias or preference to whoever it is I'm talking to. Next.

**Sasuke and Naruto have saved eachother's lives on several occasion - Sasuke saved Sakura- ONCE.**

**N: **Oh really? Let's make a tally, shall we?

**S**: First you froze up and I had to protect Sakura from getting face-clawed by one of the Demon Brothers.

**N: **Then I distracted Zabuza while he was beating on you like a boss.

**S: **Then you walked into that ice chamber like a 'tard and almost got me killed by Haku's senbon attack (I still have the scars TT^TT).

**N: **Then I beat his ass for trying to kill you.

**S: **After that you got lost in the Forest of Death and I had to protect Sakura from Mr. Snakeshit all by myself.

**N: **Oi, I almost _became _snakeshit for your information. Then I had to stop _yet another snake _from killing your scared ass.

**S: **Only for your stupid ass to get knocked out leaving me to protect both you and Sakura from that freak. Then after all that effort he gives me the hickey from hell and I get knocked out. And guess what I had to do when I woke up? Protect Sakura on my own _again _because _you_ were sleeping on the job.

**N: **Aha, so you really did break that dude's arms just for hurting her. Aww, I knew you cared.

**S: **Not any more I don't. Anyway, what about when Gaara went le crazy on us?

**N: **Then I saved you again!

**S: **And surprise, surprise, Sakura saved me too.

**N: **Ino told me she did it before in the Forest of Death. That's why her face was all busted up back then.

**S: **Hn. Well, you ended up rescuing her from Gaara when I couldn't.

**N: **Oh don't start getting emo over that again!

**S: **Shut up. This tally is getting lame anyway.

**N: **Fine. I lost count back there, but you definitely saved Sakura-chan more than once.

**S: **Which means fangirls can't count.

**N: **And they think they can call Sakura-chan stupid.

**S: **Tell me about it.

**N: **Next comment!

**When Sasuke was leaving Konoha, Naruto tried to stop him (and very, very almost succeeded) - He listened to Sakura for about three minutes, called her annoying, knocked her out... and carried on.**

**N: **Didn't Sakura-chan tell me you thanked her before you left?

**S: **Yeah, I did.

**N: **She even mentioned waking up on the bench instead of on the ground the next morning.

**S: **Well, I figured I couldn't just leave her in the dirt after she confessed to me and I shot her down. I wasn't always the amoral prick I am now, you know.

**N: **Wow, dude. Why couldn't you have been that gentle with me?

**S: **Gentle? You went completely ape on my ass. I thought I was going to die.

**N: **Oh, _you _almost died? All I did was beat you up. You -

**S: **Oh shut up, you whiny monster. Next!

**Sasuke and Naruto were friends when they were younger (possibly MORE than friends...They HELD HANDS x3) - Sakura never even spoke to Sasuke**

**N:** *laughs*

**S:** *laughs, falls of seat*

**N: **Oh god, they're more delusional than I thought. Seriously, they can't tell the difference between the Reconciliation Seal and holding hands? Pathetic...

**S: **They're simple fangirls who think with their crotches, Naruto. It comes with the territory.

**N: **Oh we _despised _each other, didn't we?

**S: **Couldn't even make peace when the spar was over.

**N: **Bitter rivals since day one...next comment:

**Naruto draws out strong emotions in Sasuke: love, guilt, he just touches him inside - The only emotions Sakura draws out from him is annoyance and a strong urge to kill.**

**N: **This guy shoved a hole in my chest, set me on fire, broke my neck and swore to me that he would kill me first if I try to defend Konoha from him. I might be dense, but even I'm perceptive enough to tell it's not just Sakura-chan he has an urge to kill...

**S: **You're right about the strong emotions at least. I hate them both intensely, and equally. No, wait, I hate Naruto more. Sakura knows when to give up. This pinhead doesn't.

**N: **See? What kind of love is that?

**S: **What part of "I want to crush Naruto at full power" do your puny fangirl minds not comprehend? I. Hate. His. Guts. Period. God, I wanna destroy Naruto so bad. I hate him so much, I hate all that he stands for, and I especially hate Kono-motherfucking-ha.

**N: **Jesus, dude...

**S: **What? I hate you guys a lot. You're all filthy scum.

**N: **_You're _from Konoha. Your clan is from Konoha -

**S: **Bitch please, my clan is fucking _dead _thanks to Konoha. As for me, I'm an international criminal, _above _all that shit. Next!

**Sasuke and Naruto's relationship is the most developed in the whole show. The whole show FOCUSES on their relationship - Sakura and Sasuke are just.. stuck together. There's no positive relationship. Sakura doesn't even like him in Part II.**

**N: **Oh sure, why would I need to think about getting strong enough to avoid getting killed by the Akatsuki, carrying on the legacy of my parents and mentor and protecting the village along with the entire shinobi world when my whole universe revolves around Sasuke and everything else is trivial in comparison...

**S: **Yeah. It's not like I don't have to avenge my family name and restore my clan's honour. I'm going to spurn my loyalty to them because Naruto is my entire reason for living. Cue exasperated eye-roll.

**N: **And about Sakura-chan not liking Sasuke in Part II - have you not seen Shippūden Ep. 212?

**S: **Or Ep. 278? Damn her, she's devoted as ever.

**N: **And you people call her shallow.

**Lastly, there's an interview somewhere on the web, in which Kishimoto states that Naruto and Sakura are rivals. (For Sasuke's love) Seeing as Sasuke likes Naruto, and HATES Sakura.. I'm pretty sure it's obvious who will win Sasuke's heart.**

**N: **That interview has gotta be at least ten years old. A _lot _of shit has happened since then. And anyone with a brain can tell that Kishi was just trolling fujoshi to promote the manga's popularity.

**S: **I do _not _like Naruto or Sakura. I'd much rather be gay for my brother. No, not this clingy blond twit, my biological brother.

**Bonus: Kishimoto says there will be a SasuNaru ending to the manga.**

**N: **Yes, that's probably so.

**S: **But not the way you think.

**N: **It ain't gonna be yaoi!SasuNaru. It will be...

**S: **Platonic!SasuNaru. In your face, wretched harpies.

**N: **May trolls dine upon your wicked hearts.

.

_I've only read one SasuSaku fic in my life and that was a mockfic. So contrary to what you may believe, I am not that into the pairing. But SasuSaku is SasuSaku, and the same goes for SasuNaru. And I see no point in using one to defame the other. I thought fandom was supposed to be about the love, not gratuitous unpleasantness._

_I'm sorry if I annoyed you, but I was simply "having my fun". This was not meant to be taken too seriously, and I did put a warning at the beginning, if you are a hardcore shipper who believes SasuNaru is "sacred" you will probably not see the humour in the story. _

_I personally see noharm in making jokes about SasuNaru, I would be an idiot not to, that's like the comic goldmine right there. After all, it's only fanfiction, no big deal. But it's quite amusing to see how seriously some people are taking it. I mean really? Humour always has to come at somebody's expense._

_Fangirls need to wake up and stop lusting after the destruction of all the other fandoms "threatening" their own. Not only does this show a high level of intolerance, but a lack of maturity and sense of proportion. Really, getting pissed off over imaginary people? That's just silly. You don't know how many flames and nasty comments I've received for making this fic...and I cannot help but smile at each and every one. _

_I wrote this story because I'm a bit bored of seeing all the desparate bashing of SasuSaku in an otherwise enjoyable SasuNaru fic. To be honest, all this hate and negativity is kind of spoiling the fandom for me. I see no reason why so many people hate Sakura either. Truly, I do not get it. To me she just seems to be the picture of a typical teenage girl with her own flaws, strengths and insecurities. A lot of people should be able to relate to her, so why the nastiness?_

_The main thing that bothers me about SasuNaru is that too many dreamgirls are convinced that it is a canon pairing. I may have pissed them off royally, but I've only said the truth. Until Naruto and Sasuke clearly express a romantic interest for each other in the manga (none of that ambiguous stuff fangirls jump on that can be interpreted any way you choose), they will forever be regarded as a "crack pairing". Fact. Accept it. _

_Their history, that doesn't prove shit. Their behaviour towards each other at times may raise a few eyebrows, it could be something more...but it could also just as easily be nothing. But too often such moments are manipulated and transformed into something else in peoples' minds. There's nothing wrong with that, for it is the very basis of fanfiction. But it's just that: fiction. Not "real". Not canon._

_Naruto and Sasuke have a twisted, intense sort of friendship, and they have a deep understanding between them. But friendship, no matter how intimate, is still not romantic love. Fact. Of. Life. Until that romantic love is irrefutable, undeniable by even the hardened, most cynical doubting Thomases out there, until SasuNaru __officially__ becomes canon - it is no more real than SasuSaku or NaruHina. Accept it. _

_I'm a fangirl who would die of a fangasm if that really did happen, but do I really expect it to? No. It's just not realistic, because NARUTO is not a sappy shōjo manga. I doubt Kishi wants to get sued for showing yaoi to young kids, because you must remember, people as young as ten years old read NARUTO in Weekly Shōnen Jump (and homosexuality is pretty much taboo in Japan - most other places for that matter)._

_Bottom line, I'm not doing this to spite anyone. I'm just raising some awareness and having a little fun while I'm at it. And by no means am I done taking the mickey out of SasuNaru yet (you'll see what I mean soon enough ;}). _

_If you still feel like you've just been bitch-slapped in the face, remember, it's only because the truth hurts - it stings like a bitch._

_Peace!_


End file.
